?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Okay...I had the most brilliant insight or...what do the Buddhists call what they are looking for?....enlightenment!! That's it! Yesterday is when it happened. Unless I become weak when I have the next news about things, I'll be okay I guess.

Yesterday at work I thought it was going to be very bad b/c it was President's Day and schools were out for the day. It wasn't that bad but that's besides the point.

This lady came in...I forgot how old she is but I do remember she's younger than I am. She started coming in about the time I "met" Angel on Ringo and her name is Stephanie. In fact it was after I "met" her because she was either telling me or my friend how old her daughter is (as old as Angel's youngest) and I mentioned how old Angel's youngest is.

Anyway she's so nice and outgoing and friendly...every time she comes in we'd talk and she'd come by me and say hi or otherwise get my attention when I don't see her first and we'd talk about her job for a quick second and how we're both doing and stuff.

The wierd thing about yesterday though was that I didn't notice her come in and then when I was bussing, she came behind me and poked me and said hi and she had her daughter with her b/c the day care was closed so she had to take her to work with her. I then saw her try to carry a high chair back to her seat with the daughter in the other arm so I offered to carry the highchair back for her...and then after she got settled she asked me to fill her glass with Dr Pepper and get a spoon so I happily obliged...in fact I did go out of my way to see if she was okay and needed any help.

I then talked to her for a little longer than usual and then made some comment about her leaving her number so her and I could get together sometime and see a movie (however!!! Just as friends!!) but she made some comment about trying to remember but she didn't think she had a pen.

So when she was getting ready to leave I just rushed on over from where I was and asked if there's anything more that I could do and she needed a clean damp rag so I got one and then quickly got my pen out from my stuff and laid it down on a clan napkin while helping her and tried to get her to write her number but instead I ended up writing my number down instead nad she told me she'd keep it where she wouldn't lose it.

She then made a comment about me having a girlfriend which was surprising since I thought I told her the last time she was in (shortly after "that day") that she broke up with me. That's all I thought I said was that she broke up with me.

So my insight? My insight is that, yes, I'm sure that Angel and I had a very deep relationship. My feelings for her were strong...are still strong....but I still hurt her greatly. She was right when she did tell me that the distance was getting to me too only it got to her more than it got to me in my eyes.

For me, I'm quite strong but I still do have weaknesses along with everyone else. My weakness is...whatever...call it narrow vision, call it predjudice, judging, selling myself and others short...whatever. All I know is that in the past I thought that there was "no one" here locally for me since my heart was pretty much closed. I didn't look very much at the heart and discounted how strong love was. All I was thinking was "Oh if someone too big (without even knowing how big is big...possibly too big to have a physical attraction), or is like my second ex Angela Bradshaw (still justified....), or is 'already experienced' then I would turn and walk away.."

That's very bad. I mean who knows how love works anyway? I once thought that if I was with someone experienced that I wouldn't be special because I wouldn't have been the first but I am special!! Or at least I was.... Angel loved me with all her heart and I had a terrible moment of weakness and stomped all over it and now I've figured it all out.

If I really truely loved her....if I really truely still do love her...if I do have true love...I'd let her go because thinking back to all the times she'd mention about the distance and needing to see me more often but can't, I'd have to admit that all we were doing is making things so very difficult for ourselves.

Who knows? we might me more ready later on to see each other again. She'll always be in my heart and in my mind, in my soul. If I ever do hook up with anyone else...





Anyway...the way I see things is, that I still love and care for Angel deeply...even though I made a mistake. However we apparently needed time away from each other and I didn't see it. I didn't really want to break up but maybe we should have but not the way that happened. There were things that I've been doing that I shouldn't have done, and also things from the past that should have been forgotten in so many different ways.

-I should have cleared out my bookmarks, true.

-I should have stopped worrying so much when all that she needed was to talk to me about her worries, true

-Also true is that I should have not been so selfish and assume that she was going to break up with me whenever she did write anything to the effect of "We need to have a talk soon." (and sometimes even when she posts a serious worry to her LJ before emailling me and writing that)

I was so worrying and clinging and even though our love was very strong and very deep, certain parts of it went so very fast...possibly too fast.

I'm not saying that our relationship was wrong or anything, it was so very right! Angel was just right in saying after this whole ordeal happened that there were things about me that weren't right and I do intend to change them.

However one thing that she did tell me is that other than the issues, we had nothing in common...

but! I think that we did because how could we not have had what happened in our relationship if there really wasn't that much we had in common?? I think there are quite a few things we have in common. We both share a love of action and suspenseful movies and I do remember us talking one time on the phone about going to see "Cabin Fever" (which we never did) and even though she said she "doesn't like to watch cartoons" she did admit that she liked FLCL and Ai Yori Aoshi because of the storylines.

The only way I think that I could both heal and prove that I'm not a bit like Randy is to just let things just happen...not to let Angel's new life affect me or at least try not to let it. She needs someone closer to her that would be able to be with her more often now. Someone more able than I am and just as caring and gentle. I would also need to find the same BUT I wouldn't do it as a rebound thing.

I just feel now that if Angel can do it with her new guy then I can have the courage to move on in my own way...and not even rebound...if and probably when she comes back I'll welcome her with open arms, but for the moment, I'll try to move on and I'm now feeling more comfortable with moving on. I value the relationship that I had with Angel...it was unique, special, and it taught me a lot...that I shouldn't shut anyone out...that I should give everyone a chance...

The one thing I already mentioned...about Angel and I really needing to be with each other more often, is what I just related to nikkiana when she was questioning about whether to go to college beyond her associates and which she should transfer too and she was concerned about her bf... I did tell her that in different degrees we are all physical beings that need to be with each other and that I needed that too to just be in public with Angel and say "I'm so happy with this person and I'm not alone!" and not to be afraid of having our feelings dulled.

If it wasn't for the love that we did share, I would have still been screwed up worse than I have been the past few weeks.

If it takes 5, 10, or even yet another 17 years before I find another person right for me, then so be it.

I love you so much Angel...always will...our memories will always be most special, and I'm grateful for your teaching me. :)

There's just a tiny bit more but that will have to wait until later.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
avalonxx
Feb. 17th, 2004 09:59 am (UTC)
i see...
mela_angel
Feb. 17th, 2004 06:23 pm (UTC)
Just wanted to say that I am glad to read this post. You are moving on and finding something more and better for yourself. I have chosen to move on as well. Maybe I did it on the rebound. Who knows where it will lead. But I like him.
I will admit that what we shared was wonderful. But the distance was the one thing that tore me up before your mistake. Yes, it was a mistake, but one that I just can not live with. You will always have a special place in my heart too. But.... I need to move on. I need to start over and go on with my life. And yes.... I need someone closer to me that I can see more often. I will tell more about this guy in my updated post in my LJ. But here I will just say that I have found new happiness in light of recent events. I hope you too find that or have found that. I once told you that it could be that our relationship could be a learning experience for us. I believe, while looking back on that and reading your post, that it was a learning experience for us and meant to be only that. I have learned alot about myself in the past few weeks. And I am glad to see that you are doing the same as well.
I will stop here and just add that I wish you luck in all that you do from here and pray that you find that one love that is out there waiting for you.
See ya around.
Friends (now and forever)
skrain_bodak
Feb. 17th, 2004 07:15 pm (UTC)
Re:
Hon....hon....hon...you're making me cry....

Did you see the parts where I was saying, I guess, that I still have hope we would be back together someday?

I guess that part of me that still loves you is so deepI'm about to cry again because I miss you and I want you.

btw, are you still going to send me that tape? I'm curious about the song you were fast forwarding through. And do you stil have my pictures and the angel I gave yuou?

I can't type anymore I'm having to shut my eyes tight...
skrain_bodak
Feb. 17th, 2004 08:53 pm (UTC)
another question...
Did you tell him about me? Do you think you would love him more than you have loved me?

I don't think I'll love anyone else more than I loved...and still do love...you.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )