Skrain Bodak (skrain_bodak) wrote,
Skrain Bodak

a tidbit more thought

first off...happy birthday to sleepybluekitty

okay...I left out the last time about Angela and Nhu. They were so very different than Angel in so many levels. In connection to me, the first and foremost difference is that I did care about them in the beginning and what I felt for them I thought was love but it was NOT because they were relationships I jumped into without knowing what they were like and either not noticing what I really want or even not caring what I really wanted.

Nhu I asked out the first week I met her not only because I thought she was cool, cute and funny with that hilarious accent, but because I just graduated high school about two months previous and spent my senior year being suicidal because "everyone else" had a gf but me and there was "no one" left for me (except Dayna Persons [some of least one or two...have "heard" me mention her] but back then she didn't count, I've never counted her especially since I've only been around her for two out of the 10 years in the school system here).

Anyway I opened my big mouth one too many times (obviously since I'm still here...unfortunately...should have shut the hell up and jammed the barrel in my teenaged mouth back then but we all make stupid decisions from time to time) b/c before I knew it, I was sent to the councilling office at Tulsa Vo Tech Lemley Campus to have a little talk about it (took a two part Electronics cours out there for HS credit during junior and senior year) and I talked with my HS councillor and my old Special Ed teacher too.

Anyway back to Nhu...I don't want to digress so for now, only Angel knows what happened between then and me working at the workshop I used to work at. The reason why I went out with Nhu was essentially the same reason I had for "losing it" before I "lost it." I wanted to be like everyone else and that was wrong.

As an example of how much I did care for Nhu at one time....and I forgot if I told Angel about it or not...she'd say that it would figure anyway...but there was this horrendous flirt that was working with us that's as "mild" as I am named Dianna Majors. No, she didn't have long hair (wasn't even down to her shoulders it was short and curly...brown) and I don't remember her being tall either, no accent not even Southern. Anyway I was placed in the cafeteria because after my orientation on my first day apparently the supervisors decided that toward the end they'd send me off to the cafeteria so I can be trained for a "real job" so I was doing there what I do now so when I came out to clear tables when the rest of the workshop was going back, Dianna comes to me and secretly tells me she had a dream of her and me sitting on a couch in front of a fire.

Now at this time I've learned how timid Nhu is. Her parents were so overprotective it's not funny so she doesn't get out much except for work, she used to go to the dances but she doesn't anymore b/c the parents I guess don't want her to go since she doesn't work there anymore...anyway she had been drilled to follow the rules and stuff so whenever I was early and she was early and there were no others around I was like "Come on and kiss me, there's no one else around...we can just make it quick before anyone comes around the corner..." but she'd always been afraid to get caught...

....well not Dianna....

A day or so later I arrived early and the next person to arrive was Dianna and she motioned me out in the hall and we talked a little bit and the lighting was a little subdued in the hall by the workshop doors and I reminded her of what she said and I looked in her brown eyes and she looked back and we kissed...a very good french kiss.

It felt good but later I started feeling very guilty and when I was in "group" (only some select ones were in "group" where we all sit around in this one room and talk about our problems and there were these two intern shrinks there too) and I just let it slip that I kissed Dianna.

They were all ticked off at me b/c they thought that Nhu and I were a cute couple and this one young black lady...a few years younger and pregnant at the time...she said something I wouldn't totally forget. Something to the effect that if I ever did that to Nhu again that she'd kick my ass.

I went to Nhu and told her I wasn't forced to do it that time, I volunteered myself to do it. It took weeks for me to convince her that at the time I thought she was very beautiful but she kept on saying she was ugly.

Well now after all that comes Angela...she's different from Nhu b/c back then even I started to up my standards a bit. I wanted someone that wasn't afraid to do anything, someone that isn't afraid to talk to her parents and go out places with her bf and do stuff but even then I was looking for someone a little more "normal."

So then while I was working for Pizza Hut, there was this waitress working there sometime around 1996 named Angula Lovins. She was slim and had nice cheekbones and had some high percentage of indian blood in her but I forgot what tribe and she had I think two kids. Anyway I did ask her out one time and she told me she only went out with people older than her and that she wouldn't go out with me even though I was 8 months younger. So I watched as this one supervisor asked her out and she accepted and they'd go off in the same car together on their days off or whatever they were and they'd come back and while I was waiting on mom to pick me up sometimes I'd see them out in that car in the parking lot making out!

So one day I just got fed up and thought "I might as well..." and called up Angela Bradshaw who I just met at the store my mom works at now while mom and I were shopping. For some odd reason I just asked and got her phone number so that's how I started going out for Angela and I really liked it in the beginning...until she started calling right when we started to eat or right when I was starting to do my homework or right when we were going to go somewhere.

Got to finish this later...already late.

(edit: now I'm back for a little bit)

Like I was saying, it got to be with Angela that since mentally I was far above the clouds and she was down with her feet on the ground to put it nicely, that all those times she called (which again happened to just be at inconvinient times through no fault of her own) we happend to talk about the same darned things every darned time "How's work, how's your mom, how's your family, how's the people you live with in the group home." Same stuff, different day, different call and I couldn't talk about any of my interests and anything I was going through because she just couldn't have the capability to understand.

It got to be when I'd complain so bad about her and her incredible knack of calling at the wrong times and the boring same talks that eventually I just told her that it would be best if we started seeing other people.

I think that part of me would have a reason to hate myself since I treated those two better in breakups than I did Angel and it just felt strange that I was on this end of a breakup and it hurt bad (I broke up with Nhu while we were both quite upset over a close friend's murder...mela_angel does know about her too).

The point of this very long post?

The point is that even though I had two ex-gfs before Angel, Angel was the first one that I really did love, believe it or not

The problem I have now behind this point is that...I feel like it was true love while I was with her and I hated having that mistake.

Whether or not the mistake was taken out of the equation I feel like I had true love....

....BUT I wish I could have confirmed that what we had during our relationship was true love. This would help me move on.

I'm trying to be fair to everyone and anyone....but even though it doesn't sound fair, I will always feel like the next woman that comes around for me, if there ever is someone (that is if I haven't totally screwed up what was meant to be for me), that I won't feel as strongly for her like I do for Angel.

This is truth...Angel was and is incredibly special and possibly the strongest woman I know for understanding me the best out of everyone and sharing interests (even though she claimed otherwise to me in email).

Now it will take a more special and more stronger and more accepting woman to not only be all that Angel was...but also understand that I would feel stronger for my first love...what possibly was also my true love...Angel
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