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It's about time I caught up

Most of you that read this haven't known about this except for maybe 2-3 that also know me on Disgruntled 6Ders....

Okay I haven't really been writing since 9/11...too much had been going on and yeah I have been affected. When I woke up that morning and saw the news of what was going on I too also couldn't believe what happened. I didn't realize that the planes went INTO the buildings and that they just clipped them and blew up. Then when I noticed that the smoke was coming out of the WTC I thought that there would be fire department helicopters that could go that high and stop the fire, not thinking that it might not be able to get it all and that there's no system to hook together hoses from the ground up there.... I also thought the structure wouldn't melt either. Just like Osama did in the tape in a way. I was also thinking that it wouldn't seriously met it to the point the entire two buildings would collapse. The next day I started thinking of my close friend Lieske and that she and her mom might have known someone in there.

I "met" Lieske more than a year ago from her replying to my ad on a pen pal section on a "Voyager" website and we had a quickly growing friendship and she was one of the main supporters of one of the lists I run on Yahoogroups. Last May she thought to get a phone card and call me for my birthday since we have the same birth month. I got a phone card first though the night of the "Voyager" finale but I didn't get a chance to check my mail until after the time she wrote in her reply to call....so I called the next morning. I enjoyed calling and talking to her so much that after then I called about once every two weeks at least (there were some times that I talked to her mom because I would just miss her b/c she'd get called into work early). We'd talk a lot about favorite series and our jobs and family and what we do on our time and when I talked to her mom Wendy she'd tell about Lieske and about tutoring and music lessons.

Then later I started getting conflicting feelings for Wendy because I did have somewhat of a crush on Lieske. I eventually settled it out and I figured I was more in love with her mom...I mean Lieske told me she was 17...(well I think she turned 17 last May...) so I think that Wendy must be mid-thirties. However I didn't exactly get a real chance to tell either one of them my feelings.

This all lasted until about a month before 9/11 when at the end of the last conversation Lieske requested a return to contact through IM and email. But then I got on about every afternoon and also emailed her a few times but she never was on and she never replied. Then when I got the nerve to go ahead anc call to see what's up I get something like "Al I thought I told you not to call..." and the second time was her drowning my excuses of being worried about her with "No no no no..."

Then weeks later I decided to call when it's close to their suppertime and hope that I get to talk to Wendy and see what's up and I did get to talk to her and she tersely said that it was because I did call once more that Lieske was refusing to email me until I haven't called for a while or something like that....I just told her that I was wondering what happened to her and that she didn't write for a while....

Then 9/11 happened and I was wondering about them so I just called while Lieske was at work because for one thing, I thought that Wendy wasn't upset with me too. I didn't expect a GUY to answer the phone and I thought he was a student or someone she was tutoring. So anyway I asked if Wendy was there and he went away for a minute and came back saying she was busy. Then I explained who I was and that I was wondering if they knew anyone and he said no...then I forgot how I did it but I probed who he was and he said he was WITH Wendy!! I just told him that I was good friends with both of them and hoped they were okay and we just ended the call.

This affected me so much...both these occurrences that I eventually turned my back on who I was previous to 9/11. I had a serious genocidal vendetta against my former manager and his boss that I was working for when I used to work at Pizza Hut. Actually a genocidal hatred for all guys like them....guys born without a handicap b/c I thought that only a guy like me, born disabled, can not be cruel or as cruel as "their kind" can be...and that the cruelty of "their kind" must be purged from humanity by killing "them" out...actually 98.5% of them...

So I thought after 9/11-12 that that's trite and it doesn't matter anymore....and that my hopes of experiencing most if not all that a "normal" guy is able to easily experience is a foolish wish and a waste of time dreaming about or working toward, including romantic love. Being attracted to someone is a waste of time. Having children...a waste of time....anything can happen, car wreck, terrorist attack, etc....why bring more ppl into the world or fall in love w/ someone when that can happen and cause more and more pain? I can cause less pain dying alone.....


Anyway that was quite close to what I've posted in the groups....I didn't think it would be right posting the exact posting here on LJ especially since I was screaming to myself in it too....

Screw Lieske and Wendy.... Clip cupid's wings and impale his heart with one of his arrows soaked in bleach, ammonia and blood thinner. Jam another up his nose and drag his brains out like the Ancient Egyptians did to their corpses....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year if I don't write again before then.... This is the year I learned a lot of what is true and valuable...this is the year everything changed....