Skrain Bodak (skrain_bodak) wrote,
Skrain Bodak

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I had a terrible vision.....

Okay...I just was thinking and all of a sudden I saw things as if it came full circle from ten years ago, but of course slightly different and in present. This is connected to that one large post I did the other month that mentioned Tina.

I was talking to friends and *quick before forget* I was depressed or something and was wanting to ........

darnit I think I just forgot quite a bit of it all of a sudden....but the very general idea was that I had this dark current in me and that I was talking something about death and it was either me dying of a terminal illness or someone murdering me or actually what I thought I was thinking about....that I thought I was talking about suicide but that doesn't sound right....and then for some reason I thought or was told to think about who would have missed me and would be upset at my passing as much as I was at Tina's passing and I was like "No one, I'm sure." but I was told to think and I just couldn't think of anyone.

This disturbs me because it's almost like that one email foward that goes around about the guy growing up with his lady friend through school and he was liking her and was like "I really like her a lot but I don't want to ruin things with her so I'd rather just stay friends" and it goes through all these different life milestones with him looking on at her as she goes through them and he still feels strongly but he lets her live her life because he feels strongly and doesn't want to ruin it....

...then he dies and she gets up to eulogize and reads from his diary how he spent his life doing that only to show that she loved him back but was also afraid to show the true feelings.

I think it was more like me thinking.....and I know at least only one would register this the right way that I really intend *deep breath*...but I think it was me thinking one of those "if I had gone there and I saw [them/him] and didn't like what I saw....." and then somehow I died...

who would miss me that much? Even though it would possibly be only deep caring from some female friend of mine and not really any of that type of love (because looking back, it wasn't really that sort of love I had for Tina, it was deep care, I just thought it was love especially in my grief) I don't really know of any that would suddenly "love" me or "suddenly realize" she was "in love with me" if, some time like a day or two later, read or hear that I died.

It's a disturbing circle too because I already told you all that it happened to me, and that it was a big reason how I got so screwed up these past ten that grief helped open the door to weakness and that a game that should have been enjoyable slowly became slightly more than just a game, that it became an anagram and muse to plan out an elaborate vengeful plot against society and later against one type of person. Then I now am starting to change...but....what if something really did happen to me...I die and someone really felt that strongly for me? Though I don't see why anyone could...

Then that person could be so weak, as weak as I was and yes I admit still am. I'm scared...I'm scared of causing someone that type of pain, knowing how it felt.

Why did I have that vision?
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