May 10th, 2001

Lancea Sanctum

very long time no see....

I know this entry has been a loooong time after the last one. Been quite busy with school and reading and email and stuff. Finally finished this semester and am now awaiting the time when I could go and get the official transcript so I can transfer to the new Northeastern State University campus in town so I won't have to go to downtown Tulsa to attend Langston through OSU-Tulsa. The ridiculously high gas prices and the stupid "Stairway To Heaven" philosophy the Big Heavies are inflicting on the prices would make things more difficult as well regardless. Here I was griping for months about the stations "playing 'Dime Pong'" with the prices and now it's more like, for instance, "....going down to $1.29....up to $1.39....down to $1.35.....UP to $1.49!!!......down to $1.45.....UP TO $1.59!!!!!!!!......down to $1.55....UP TO $1.69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR LET'S GET F**KING POSTAL HERE AND KILL EVERYONE IN THE GAS STATION INDUSTRY!!!! I promise the ppl that will carry THAT out that I will pay them LOTS of money once I get rich off of my Franklin funds and CDs when I get 50-ish.....

I've also been busy going through with what I call "Master Plan Omega" or simply "Plan Omega" or simply by the Greek letter. It's essentially me strategically going through a "shopping/wish" list of material for Battletech that I have been intending on getting in all due time if FASA had not announced that they were quitting business. I've planned on doing this in what I've called "waves and swarms" which are defined as swarms being arranging one trip to one store around another separate event. For instance, the first swarm was when I planned on getting the ticket to this summer's Trek Expo at Starbase 21, and I've planned on getting mom to get us to visit Grandma and Grandpa nearby but I forgot that she told me that my sister and her had been planning Grandma's birthday party for the night I planned so when I did that stunt, mom was dissapointed in me but I did get the ticket and then before she picked me up (she had to drop me off b/c we had my niece and nephew w/ us seriously wanting to get there....) I had turned around and dropped $120. for Battletech books. Then a week ro so later I used up the very last Zio's gift certificate I got under my work's old reward system since it was close to expiring and I got the oppt to go to the other store I frequent nearby and I was going to get at least one more book I saw the last time I was there but they didn't have it so instead I got two more that I noticed that were on a later "wave" on my list and both together came to $40. and then I ordered two online from Barnes and Noble for $45. (actually I ordered $45. of Flooz and had some extra in there previously and the total came to $45.07 including shipping).

Mom says that if I don't curb the spending that she'll take away the checkbook.....forget that... If it was Ham Radio equipment I bet she wouldn't have made that threat because she probably wouldn't have minded that much. Now I know what my fellow Hams feel when their XYL's (wifes to the uninitiated) gripe when they spend lots of money on feed lines and antennas and new rigs, etc, etc. Helloooooo....I AM spacing out all of this despite my own predilections of "gloom and doom free for all.....get it before it's gone." Because of this I'm SERIOUSLY considering making up some "con games" like getting her to take me to Asylum just so I can buy some back issue comic for my collection so I can say "Oh while I'm here...." and buy myself some miniatures....leave the other books for buying on B&N w/ Flooz.

Have to go to the mind doctor later today b/c the SSA is reviewing my case to see if I'm "still disabled" according to them. He's just going to observe or something and then send back something to them so they can make a decision. They say I don't have anything to worry about and I say "yeah right" because I can't trust the Piggy US Govt as far as I can throw Area 51!! US Govt is just full of stupid misinformed, selfish, corrupt, scummy, filthy bastard pigs....

Oh and speaking of Battletech....I decided that even though my nephew still isn't quite old enough yet, I'll just go ahead and try to see if he is mentally able to play Battletech soon. He just turned 7 and a week or so ago he had tests to see his IQ and he scored pretty high for his age. This was done b/c they say he has ADHD and gave him some medicine and stuff and say that the ADHD is masking the true him and part of his IQ as well. We talked about it while the family was out....he wants his character to serve in the Magistracy of Canopus. I've always wanted to see how to play a character from that state as well. :-)

I was going to say something about Cassie Bernall, something that I saw on her offical website, but silly me, when I was doing some stuff I copied something else and lost her link from the clipboard. I'll retrieve it in a few seconds....
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    "Somebody" by Double Vision
Lancea Sanctum

Here's the thing on Cassie Bernall...

Yeah and also I've just remembered after clicking on the update button that both buying spurts were planned after returning from the family weekend vacation to Eureka Springs and when we returend from there, mom and I arrived to the neighbor telling us that he noticed swarms of ants in our sugar bowl while watching the dogs and cats for us and we noticed when he left that he didn't do a close to perfect job watching them either but oh well. Now we have to shell out for an exterminator and I've already shelled out to my mom my half of the first visit which was $50 to me and I've repaid it from my paycheck, being a SURPRISE EXPENSE and all. Now I have to be on my toes and insure that I pump in money from paycheck to cover $15. from my ened for monthly visits for a year. Now if only I can figure out how to get down the $100. eye doctor bill......


This Cassie Bernall article from the website was quoted from.....errrrgh I forgot where they said it was quoted from but it's
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Yeah and also I've just remembered after clicking on the update button that both buying spurts were planned after returning from the family weekend vacation to Eureka Springs and when we returend from there, mom and I arrived to the neighbor telling us that he noticed swarms of ants in our sugar bowl while watching the dogs and cats for us and we noticed when he left that he didn't do a close to perfect job watching them either but oh well. Now we have to shell out for an exterminator and I've already shelled out to my mom my half of the first visit which was $50 to me and I've repaid it from my paycheck, being a SURPRISE EXPENSE and all. Now I have to be on my toes and insure that I pump in money from paycheck to cover $15. from my ened for monthly visits for a year. Now if only I can figure out how to get down the $100. eye doctor bill......


This Cassie Bernall article from the website was quoted from.....errrrgh I forgot where they said it was quoted from but it's <a href="http://www.cassiebernall.com/did_she_or_didnt_she.htm" an editorial type article debating if Cassie Bernall said "yes" or not></a> when Harris and Kleibold put a gun to her and asked if she believed in God. It's sad that people are trying to discount the words of this special person and the brave witness that she gave to the world. It doesn't matter that her friend was next to her and that the same thing happened to her and she was spared, it doesn't matter that the other students were so traumatized they had trouble putting tier accounts together. No matter how troubled they are and how much the event trubled them they still heard Cassie say "yes."

I'm just now getting into all this stuff because I've had restarted my interest in my church and beliefs even though my vision of the future is still the same....and that, w/ how I am now, is kinda warped. Several months ago I bought this interesting book called "Jesus Freaks" put out by DC Talk and this non-profit group called Voice of the Martyrs and it's made like this rough edged, w/ wood grain style covers...and it has stories in it about past and present people that died in all these countries for worshipping as Christians in places that didn't want them to worship they way they wanted. I sent in the card included and got a global prayer map and a free subscription to their magazine...it's free for as long as you want it but they regularly ask for donations and stuff and there's always an order form and a mini-catalog in the back of the issue.... I also got this list of people in other countries that are persecuted....snail mail addresses and esome email addresses, addresses to embassies and stuff.

I already decided to take a chance last Monday and send off an order for a T-shirt that says "It Didn't End in the Roman Empire, Christians Still Die," a free tape of testimonies of Indonesian Christians and how they were persecuted, a book on Islam by ex-Muslim converts to Christianity, and a BASIC bracelet....
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    hopeful hopeful
Lancea Sanctum

Doctor's visit....

Today I had a day off because of the doctor's appointment thing... I don't think it went well even though from what my mom told me after, he knew Doc Bassham. I'm nervous that it didn't go well b/c he asked what the SSA paperwork had him to ask like "How far did you go in school" and "Do you drive" and "Did you think of hurting yourself or others" and then I think I might have screwed things up by being semi truthful and saying "Yeah I did have a few hours in college"....he did ask me why I work as many hours as I work and I told him something about being able to take care of my family, my mom and my sister and her kids. He did ask what I do in my spare time and I told him.

There was the feeling that was gathered more by my mom than by me that he was wanting to get it over with, that he was giving us the bums rush. The way I could see it now is that maybe since the State is paying the bill, that they are being cheap, that if it was paid by me instead, then he could have been able to charge me up the asshole. But since it was the State paying for the visit, there's no way he can make the State do anything since the State is larger than the constituent individuals that are just the cells of the organism. WE are the cells of the cruddy, decaying organism that is......well enough of that or ppl would think I'm the second coming of McVeigh.... I still don't like what THEY have done to my brother-in-law that's all....

Anyway "the organism" can poke itself and hurt its own "cells" just like we can....life goes on.

So anyway he asked me hmmmm.....I forgot what else he asked me but what does he say when he gets my mom back there?!?!?!?!?!?

He says that I'M TOO GUARDED!!!!! WTF DOES THAT MEAN??????????? Then he asks her if I ever hit her and she said a couple of times which was true...and then he asked her how I got in touch w/ Doc Bassham and SHE FORGETS AND DOESN'T SAY TO COME ASK ME.... I mean I told her that later... (the reason was that I started being suicidal during my Senior year and back then I talked a lot of trash and didn't "do it" and one of my classmates ratted me out to the school who had me go to this one shrink we didn't like so he recommended Bassham) and I forgot what the other question was but there was one other question that she forgot the answer to. I forgot if she said to me that what he noticed of me or not, even though I think from what I understand that he was only supposed to fill out the paperwork and not think or diagnose anything.

Oh and I do remember what else he did. He did some funky shit about memory...having me memorise three words and then within five minutes gave me two series of numbers and he had me recite to him one forward and the other series backward and then he tricked me by waiting until he had my mom back there before coming back out and asking me what the three words were...I remembered two definately but probably not the third.

I couldn't find the copy at all in the envelope that we marked on the sheet that we would like a copy for our doctor....maybe mom just was given a look and had to give it back for them to send it on.

I can't take this anymore.....if this bastard causes an unfavorable decision I need to find someone who knows of a way I can commit suicide and make it look like an accident all by myself without help.....