May 15th, 2003

Lancea Sanctum

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(From where I go every week to put myself "In Access" every week in at least my block to do my Neighborhood Deputy job...and I hope that when my connection drops, that no corrupt ND comes in and messes with things because I think because of below, that I might get in trouble over it when my connection drops in the middle of me doing my "job")

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Lancea Sanctum

I got this from a yahoogroup I'm in...

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door
whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic
sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!"
every time a person walked through them, about once a month some
guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry
Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to
master WD- 40
9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that
runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable
planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're
rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the
guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?
And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an
important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in
spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money
hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.
8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of
everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just
screws things up. I have it on good authority that the
technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise
comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through
the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet
in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi
thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned
polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't
just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.
7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the
first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly
over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone
would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some
furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening."
So of course, they did make something like that for the second
Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but
what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your
thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look!
The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"
6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various
stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw
their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could
get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could
get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and
pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at
an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge
personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless
exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit
down.
5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on
TV last year:
Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this!
And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I
should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big
Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them
first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and
look pensive."
Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the
chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet.
Which one isn't coming back?
3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the
problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and
routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting
subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which
created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in
the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As
a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.
2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people
would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west
saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used
for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would
be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going
to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus?
And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36
Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be
doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes
wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all
day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The
Earth-shattering Kaboom.