February 17th, 2004

Lancea Sanctum

I'd better make this quick or at least put as much as I can and edit it later

Okay...I had the most brilliant insight or...what do the Buddhists call what they are looking for?....enlightenment!! That's it! Yesterday is when it happened. Unless I become weak when I have the next news about things, I'll be okay I guess.

Yesterday at work I thought it was going to be very bad b/c it was President's Day and schools were out for the day. It wasn't that bad but that's besides the point.

This lady came in...I forgot how old she is but I do remember she's younger than I am. She started coming in about the time I "met" Angel on Ringo and her name is Stephanie. In fact it was after I "met" her because she was either telling me or my friend how old her daughter is (as old as Angel's youngest) and I mentioned how old Angel's youngest is.

Anyway she's so nice and outgoing and friendly...every time she comes in we'd talk and she'd come by me and say hi or otherwise get my attention when I don't see her first and we'd talk about her job for a quick second and how we're both doing and stuff.

The wierd thing about yesterday though was that I didn't notice her come in and then when I was bussing, she came behind me and poked me and said hi and she had her daughter with her b/c the day care was closed so she had to take her to work with her. I then saw her try to carry a high chair back to her seat with the daughter in the other arm so I offered to carry the highchair back for her...and then after she got settled she asked me to fill her glass with Dr Pepper and get a spoon so I happily obliged...in fact I did go out of my way to see if she was okay and needed any help.

I then talked to her for a little longer than usual and then made some comment about her leaving her number so her and I could get together sometime and see a movie (however!!! Just as friends!!) but she made some comment about trying to remember but she didn't think she had a pen.

So when she was getting ready to leave I just rushed on over from where I was and asked if there's anything more that I could do and she needed a clean damp rag so I got one and then quickly got my pen out from my stuff and laid it down on a clan napkin while helping her and tried to get her to write her number but instead I ended up writing my number down instead nad she told me she'd keep it where she wouldn't lose it.

She then made a comment about me having a girlfriend which was surprising since I thought I told her the last time she was in (shortly after "that day") that she broke up with me. That's all I thought I said was that she broke up with me.

So my insight? My insight is that, yes, I'm sure that Angel and I had a very deep relationship. My feelings for her were strong...are still strong....but I still hurt her greatly. She was right when she did tell me that the distance was getting to me too only it got to her more than it got to me in my eyes.

For me, I'm quite strong but I still do have weaknesses along with everyone else. My weakness is...whatever...call it narrow vision, call it predjudice, judging, selling myself and others short...whatever. All I know is that in the past I thought that there was "no one" here locally for me since my heart was pretty much closed. I didn't look very much at the heart and discounted how strong love was. All I was thinking was "Oh if someone too big (without even knowing how big is big...possibly too big to have a physical attraction), or is like my second ex Angela Bradshaw (still justified....), or is 'already experienced' then I would turn and walk away.."

That's very bad. I mean who knows how love works anyway? I once thought that if I was with someone experienced that I wouldn't be special because I wouldn't have been the first but I am special!! Or at least I was.... Angel loved me with all her heart and I had a terrible moment of weakness and stomped all over it and now I've figured it all out.

If I really truely loved her....if I really truely still do love her...if I do have true love...I'd let her go because thinking back to all the times she'd mention about the distance and needing to see me more often but can't, I'd have to admit that all we were doing is making things so very difficult for ourselves.

Who knows? we might me more ready later on to see each other again. She'll always be in my heart and in my mind, in my soul. If I ever do hook up with anyone else...

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There's just a tiny bit more but that will have to wait until later.