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She called back. :(

I should have known that Sherri was sounding a bit sad and off lately.....

I called after the last entry, making a joke about it being Saturday and her being off work since there's no class to teach on a Saturday.

She called back and in the beginning of the talk she shockingly made a comment about feeling like I was harrassing her. :(

The entire call we talked how she had been feeling for a few weeks that we didn't have that much in common, if at all. I'm still sad and upset about that...I couldn't believe it....how could someone that was so thoughtful and creative in sending me the valentine she sent me with the crafted wallet picture start losing her feelings for me? What's wrong with me?

anyway there's now an obvious kink in my weekend vacation plans in May. She didn't even know if she would want me to come visit and I was like "Well this would be a good test to see if we would still be good together."

She did say that she didn't want me to be sad or upset, that in some way she still loves me.

We eventually agreed that we needed to take a two week break from each other and then see where we would be after that.

I've mentioned this in a few places before....that in the Dark Year (which was longer than just one year but...semantics) when it was just starting, during the nasty arguments I had with mom (including my secret wish that she'd have a cardiac arrest when we were watching Passion of the Christ) that the next one that comes along will be the one that I'll marry and that nothing will stand in the way.

and that recently I added to it a common refrain I was going through when I still was friends with Melissa Johnson (formerly Edmunds)....there was "some drama" which included a promise that if she had broken, that I was going to turn my back on romance.

So anyway what this whole thing is now is that the next one that I get in a relationship with is the one I'll be with and no one or nothing would get in the way, and if by chance it does and it's too strong to deny and it breaks the relationship up, then in this respect, my mom will win...I'll never let myself fall in love ever again, .......

....and then for real, "Romance is for the weak and the weak will perish."

If it's meant to be that Sherri wants to break up with me, then I'll give up! :(

Especially since...who knows? I've felt from time to time a doubt that anyone would want me because no one would share that many interests with me, would be sharing enough in common to make a relationship work. So if Sherri breaks up with me like this, then why bother putting myself up again and again and again for hurt like this? Only to be hurting severely either way?

However mom won't totally win, I'll still move out of America's Unflushed Toilet. I'll just go to the "original Plan A" which is now Plan B. I'll move to Portales, NM to be near misfortunedfool and her hubby. As far as drafting a Will, mom won't win in that respect either. She's always talked about me and a Will as if she's assuming that I'll never marry and never having daughters. She always suggests giving to the church or giving to my niece and nephew....

So if there's a breakup, in my pain I'll give my mom the ultimate middle finger and Will quite a bit to misfortunedfool.

I missed the begginning of Zatch Bell......

unity!!

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
misfortunedfool
Apr. 2nd, 2006 04:00 am (UTC)
Relationships....Romance....Love.... & Being Weak
Al,

I am truly sorry to see you so hurt over this. At the same time, I ask you to please think about a few things before you decide that love is for weaklings and that no one is capable of loving you or that you are not one that is loveable.

First and formost, what is a relationship Al? What makes a relationship?

Trust, respect, and compassion are perhaps the first three things that come to mind outside of God of which should be the center of any relationship. Whether it be a relationship with a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, or acquaintance. For without God there cannot be any of the things of which I mentioned above, or anything else for that matter. Trust is something that needs to be had in any relationship. So instead of doubting that you and Sherri could work, you need to trust that in the end that no matter which way things go that there could still be a promising friendship or that if things do not work out at all that it was yet another lesson in love. For just as out of the good experiences comes lessons, so can the say be said of the bad.

Romance...it is always good to keep things going, but at the same time...is it necessary? Not really, at least not all the time. Yes, a sweet thing done on occassion can certainly make one's day but if it has to be an ever constant thing or habitual it can make a relationship seem dull and perhaps even boring.

Love... it happens over time once trust and respect as well as compassion are founded.

Being weak...has nothing to do with loving someone.
As a matter of fact, loving someone makes you stronger cause love can indeed hurt just as bad if not more than anything you could ever come to know.

*Hugs*

Danielle/Renee/Nae
(Anonymous)
Apr. 2nd, 2006 05:07 am (UTC)
Reply to Love
It's in our nature to be loved. If you are shown how to. Jesus loved us even to the death we should follow in example, I was given a chance to love another because i knew deep down in my heart that if i didn't reach this soul who needed to fly, how can this person trust the world and have a brigher future. We all need to Love and to be loved in return, after all if we give we get back :)
Blessings to you !
star_tigress
Apr. 2nd, 2006 07:17 am (UTC)
Well as I said before. If you're going to be so bitter towards your mom and not taking responsibility on your own shoulders, move out.

MOVE OUT.

Come on.
skrain_bodak
Apr. 2nd, 2006 08:16 pm (UTC)
the main point of the post is that Sherri and I may or may not be together but yes I am planning on getting out either way.

I was just saying in the second half the background behind my decision to give up on romance if things end.

If there is truly no one made for me, why bother hurting myself?
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )