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I know it is no excuse but I have discovered that I have...and am being cliche about it I guess...a crisis of faith. I know that I rationalize it all as how I have more obstacles in my life than others (though it could be rougher) and that I have to fight and fight for even the smallest victory or smallest thing to go what is easier for the "normals." However that is no excuse. Even though it seems I am blaming others, sometimes a look deeper can reveal that I am also blaming myself for letting things get to me this way...I have let my past especially my teenage years get to me. All the abuse, real and imagined, from those I have seen that I either know or thought abused me even once.

Yes, life happens, and I didn't even press the issue of my uncle paying me back. Got sis on my case and I was talking about the previous post and she was all playing the "turn you into the police" card just for me wanting to cut. All of that made me realize the rest of that weekend that I had started to become really abusive.

I even posted on a forum I go to a quip about me possibly "hanging around" Flood too much (an NPC on Matrix Online, the one that hands out Merovingian org missions...very sarcastic, bitter, and verbally abusive) which could be true since it's so lovely when I play my Merv guy and having the background and childhood I do and yet here's this NPC that puts operative PCs down and spouting verbal barbs.

There's no wifi here at B&N, am here with nephew b/c he had to get a book to read before school starts...for some reason there isn't even though my detector and the signage says there is supposed to be which is wierd....usually whether it's free or pay the laptop usually picks up something like some carrier and then there's some sort of firewall where you either pull up the browser and have a page come up saying "this connection is a pay connection..." and gives details and a button to go to where you pay by card....

...or you go and pay physically etc.

I'll post more privat info later...got to go....