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it's after midnight but oh well....

I don't know or remember where I have left off but I think I've told about the apartment hunting and how I eventually got dragged/led to consider Eagle's Nest apartments. Even though they try to appear assisted living and I see my relatives' point (that there's no guarantee I'd get a better job or any other job at all that quickly, etc) I still get some feeling that it feels like some type of group home. Didn't get to see inside an individual apartment but did see a small common eat area and a rec room and also the fact that the main residents are required to be on meds? So far screams "group home" even though I never have seen any as severe as I've seen in the Gatesway duplexes. I also feel that my family is trying to also trap me in Broken Arrow to add insult to the injury that getting out of this state is now impossible. A forced stay in a joke of a state and then in a joke of a suburb whose small one circular route that takes me an hour to get from my job to my house was taken over by the bigger city's service that has more routes and what do they do?

They make the route smaller and don't bother making more than route in said city.

Also I've been going to this place that in league with the Eagle's Nest place and got in the system there and one of the docs I saw switched me from prozac to zoloft. I'm a bit better now, no adverse effects but I still am antsy that someone might want to control me and dope me full.

Operation Ninjutsu news coming soon in a locked post....

I've been having a faith crisis....I know there is a God since the universe can't have order without one despite all the saber rattling from athiests and evolutionists. How can math be so ingrained and important in and of the universe and yet the Big Bang and evolution are fact? There is no chance in math...any math. Even in statistics there is no chance...well...not that much chance. Still one can't break a fragile object and have the pieces be uniform and same size and shape and start orbiting each other...can't happen....

....but then....

God gives man free will....and then we get the idea that there's "someone for everyone" from the verses in the Bible that allude that "it is not right for man to be alone" etc etc....but then.....why did Paul say in one of his epistles that he'd rather us all be single? Even when we all have a "soulmate"? If it is not good for man to be alone then why do some people die as babies or kids or even grow to adulthood but get some sickness before they grow old and grey and even before they have a chance to find that special someone for them?

It's kinda like I told my Aunt Carolyn, maybe God does love us...He loves to torture us.

I'm not sure I buy the crap about maybe our soulmate is up in Heaven waiting for us. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to be down here while we are, so the two parts of the couple could help each other combat the monstrosities of this life and the lonliness? How can God be so cruel as to withhold one's soulmate or to give the illusion that there is one and just let the creation dream away hoping for a soulmate but yet there's a 50/50 chance there isn't one?

And yea we all hear that on one side, God gives us free will but yet on the other side, "God's Will is best" and His plans are better than ours. If so then why did He bother giving us the ability to dream? Why bother when surprises happen and derail them and the crap that happened to me could happen to others and even worse?

Maybe it would be best if I had stopped dreaming. Why bother because most of them never did come true. The only one was college and whoop I'm being hamstrung into the joke of a city inside the worst state of the greatest country of the world which happens to be lead by an idiot president.

Now I'm hoping I won't die quick so I could have time to be driven out of state to die....Since I can't be a resident of any other state when I die the least I can do is not have my feet touch Okie dirt when I do breathe my last. This "world capital of uterine cancer" is a joke.

If God has plans to prosper and not harm me, why here???? why haunt me with the possibility that I can't find anyone other than those that can't really realize my dream....

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
flowerofsilver
Jan. 1st, 2008 09:40 am (UTC)
i loved this post... if you ever discover answers to any of those questions let me know.

i grow less and less faithful that there is anyone out there for me at all, let alone a 'soulmate'.
kolizeon
Jan. 7th, 2008 12:48 pm (UTC)
I don't really know if there is "one" soul mate for everybody. I mean, there are 6 billion people in the world, what if my soul mate is in China? People are too complex to have "one perfect match." They're not like puzzles. They're more like colors. They go good together with other people, and in some circumstances they go really good together with another person.
If the "soul mate" thing was true, then love would be a breeze. Steps: find your soul mate, live happily ever after. But anyone that's married will tell you that marriage takes a lot of work. So, then, it must not be as much about the other person as it is about yourself.
I'm sorry if that didn't make any sense. I have a terrible habit of babbling.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )