Skrain Bodak (skrain_bodak) wrote,
Skrain Bodak

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This is a farce.....

yeah it's been a few days, yeah I haven't done a filtered post yet....

I feel like a farce. I try to get away from the pain but more keeps coming. I don't think I can give it to God since it still keeps coming, dissapointments and failures and I still hurt.

I'm right I guess. There's no soulmates because if there's "someone for everyone" why would God be cruel enough to keep that someone in Heaven or to take the someone to Heaven without spending any physical time with the mate, you know?

It's like "Yeah right....get to spend eternity with him/her....but yeah it's in a place where comforting is irrelavent. There's no pain and heartache in Heaven so why does God do that?"

I need and want companionship now...and I do think I have more than enough friends and family. Enough of that crap. I have feelings and stuff that I can't even really share with them. I can't really fully share with friends since they're all married (and yeah I have a lot of female friends and I am a major flirt) well....they're either married or unintersted or too young or say I'm too old for them or say that I'm "not their type" or something.

I drink knowing it's wrong....I even almost fall into the trap of drinking too much or at least more than I say I do. I say God is cruel but still I believe in Him and am fighting myself. I don't know...I'm fake. I'm trying to take care of all my interests with everyone being on my case and doubting my abilities for this and that though sometimes it appears there's a reason to doubt because I'm afraid of critizism no matter how I do it.

That's the deal with my cat. For a while I thought it was an attitude/grieving problem that caused her to use different carpeted parts of the house to pee and poop (even when I try hard to clean the box) and I try to clean it when nobody's around or awake so I wouldn't be critizised but yet that caused me to not clean as often. I rotate and flip and refresh and still sometimes she pees on the floor once in a while and now we learned while starting process to give her away that she was having Urinary Tract Infection and Giardia parasite so I started giving meds...and I also learned that the cat was skinny because I was feeding her half a can of Special Kitty in morning and dry food in the evening when the best thing would be to feed half in the morning and half in the evening and I don't see why I shouldn't have done that before hand because a four pack of cans cost the same as a box of the dry I give her now. So the first mistake I made was asking my nephew what to use to smash up the dosage to mix up in the food...he just thought to use the pil cutter several times and then mix it up in the food and I did that and gave a whole can....she ate and got to the meds and sis noticed she was spitting up the pills....another mistake is that I should have given her a little bit of food with the meds in it and not give her the rest until she ate the meds but by this time she became smart and kept eating around.

There was even a day or so where I left that litle bit of food in the dish and just ignored her cries and she still didn't eat the little Trojan Horse in her dish!

It was worse when we heard about the Giardia and got liquid medication and it resembled like some thick version of Sobe Liz Blizz and I even try to disguise that too and no go.

I failed....

I'm such a bad owner and even though I know it's for the best and have decided the other month to adopt her out, I feel so guilty. I just don't want her to pee on sis's carpet or even on mine when I get my own place.

I'm so terrible and alone.
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