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Doctor's visit....

Today I had a day off because of the doctor's appointment thing... I don't think it went well even though from what my mom told me after, he knew Doc Bassham. I'm nervous that it didn't go well b/c he asked what the SSA paperwork had him to ask like "How far did you go in school" and "Do you drive" and "Did you think of hurting yourself or others" and then I think I might have screwed things up by being semi truthful and saying "Yeah I did have a few hours in college"....he did ask me why I work as many hours as I work and I told him something about being able to take care of my family, my mom and my sister and her kids. He did ask what I do in my spare time and I told him.

There was the feeling that was gathered more by my mom than by me that he was wanting to get it over with, that he was giving us the bums rush. The way I could see it now is that maybe since the State is paying the bill, that they are being cheap, that if it was paid by me instead, then he could have been able to charge me up the asshole. But since it was the State paying for the visit, there's no way he can make the State do anything since the State is larger than the constituent individuals that are just the cells of the organism. WE are the cells of the cruddy, decaying organism that is......well enough of that or ppl would think I'm the second coming of McVeigh.... I still don't like what THEY have done to my brother-in-law that's all....

Anyway "the organism" can poke itself and hurt its own "cells" just like we can....life goes on.

So anyway he asked me hmmmm.....I forgot what else he asked me but what does he say when he gets my mom back there?!?!?!?!?!?

He says that I'M TOO GUARDED!!!!! WTF DOES THAT MEAN??????????? Then he asks her if I ever hit her and she said a couple of times which was true...and then he asked her how I got in touch w/ Doc Bassham and SHE FORGETS AND DOESN'T SAY TO COME ASK ME.... I mean I told her that later... (the reason was that I started being suicidal during my Senior year and back then I talked a lot of trash and didn't "do it" and one of my classmates ratted me out to the school who had me go to this one shrink we didn't like so he recommended Bassham) and I forgot what the other question was but there was one other question that she forgot the answer to. I forgot if she said to me that what he noticed of me or not, even though I think from what I understand that he was only supposed to fill out the paperwork and not think or diagnose anything.

Oh and I do remember what else he did. He did some funky shit about memory...having me memorise three words and then within five minutes gave me two series of numbers and he had me recite to him one forward and the other series backward and then he tricked me by waiting until he had my mom back there before coming back out and asking me what the three words were...I remembered two definately but probably not the third.

I couldn't find the copy at all in the envelope that we marked on the sheet that we would like a copy for our doctor....maybe mom just was given a look and had to give it back for them to send it on.

I can't take this anymore.....if this bastard causes an unfavorable decision I need to find someone who knows of a way I can commit suicide and make it look like an accident all by myself without help.....